it's the same thing to say 'i've been quite sick.'

and i have been. emotionally and physically. missed a ton of work and skipped several classes. specifically art. i'm unsure why i haven't been fired yet and how my teacher can praises me for a 79% on an exam. although that is pretty high for someone like me. and i didn't even study. i'd be proud but i'm not.

when i try to find a way to get away from things, i just find myself looking at the things i fear most right in the face.

i speak the honest to god truth that i won't be here much longer. not sure what will happen or where i'll be going. over the stars hopefully. maybe to the center of the earth. 'dig' by incubus comes to mind and it's unrelated to this. in a way.

all of my friends have ditched me. it's quite true. they're tired of dealing with me so they left. it's been about seventeen days since i last talked to who i thought was my best friend. and i was practically bitched at for not being even remotely happy. i've seen/heard the words 'forget it' so many times.

they are the opposite of 'cellar door'.

i really think i'm unravelling. screws that have been a bit loose are falling out. sometimes i'm kinda delusional. sometimes i think i see people in my room. sometimes i just start talking to myself or arguing with someone who isn't there. like writing out conversations on paper. and the handwriting is different but i don't know who it is.

i'm not sure who i am for that matter. who's the person i'm talking to? am i the fake person and the person i'm talking to the real one? or the other way around?

i used to be quite sure about things. but i'm so indecisive. even about what to wear or eat. which leads to just wearing what i wore to bed for the day (which leads to wearing the same thing for several days in a row). which leads to eating fast-food or a bowl of cereal. cap'n crunch. i thought i'd have gained weight, but i just lost weight. my ribs are showing. i can play the xylophone.

who my real friends were. who my fake friends were. who loved me. who didn't.

if i really want to die or not. i've been so close to it. always starting the attempts but never finishing. too many what if's enter my head and i start to think that maybe this time i'll get to hear the voice that i've been needing to hear. i've downed so many pills and made so many cuts. i wonder if my liver has been damaged a little. and not once did i feel the weight of someoen's hand on my back telling me it'll be okay somehow.

i'm thinking of dropping out of college. i don't want to go through with education that i'm not even sure that i want. i don't have a career in mind. i don't see a future for myself. so why waste the money? give my seat in class to someone who really wants it.

'ohh, boy, your smile is like the rainbow drained of it's colors and you see the pot of gold as half empty. if you want to make cuts on your pretty skin, make the cherry pies on my stomach. carve some angel wings on my shoulders and i'll fly you away from here.'

things appear on pages of my notesbooks that i don't recall ever writing. whatsmore, some of it isn't even in my handwriting. what. the hell. really.

give me new music. i want to replace everything on my ipod. i can not take this anymore.

tear me down and make me new. erase my memories and put in the sunshine and clouds.

what is love
what is love
a way
a way
to hate.